Naked Pirate
by Snake in the Grass
Summary: Ah, Balfonheim. A place of rest, relaxation, and...walking down the street naked?


Disclaimer: If it belonged to me, I'd be one happy little fangirl.

This is just a couple of steps away from being crack, but I can reasonably see Balthier doing this.

BalthierxVaan if you turn you head and squint. Well, you don't really have to squint too hard.

Enjoy!

* * *

Vaan leaned back in his chair, yawning and putting his feet up on the table. He closed his eyes and let the serenity wash over him.

Damn but it was nice to get a break every so often.

Balfonheim was a free state of pirates, of both sea and sky, and since they had arrived the night before Vaan had been in a state of almost constant excitement. This beat running around capitol cities and evil laboratories by a long shot. For as long as he'd remembered having any aspirations at all, Vaan had wanted to be a sky pirate. There was truly no better job. Strong and respected, but still living outside of the law.

Like Balthier.

The six of them—the princess Ashe and her escorts—were currently staying with an old friend of Balthier's, a woman by the name of Rose. They hadn't exactly met the lady of the house yet (she wasn't due back in port until that afternoon) but they had been welcomed by a man who Vaan could only assume was her husband, though he had never really thought of pirates having spouses.

"Vaan!"

He looked up. Penelo was glaring, flicking almonds across the table at him,

"What?" he hissed, rubbing his cheek where a particularly well-aimed nut had struck him. Ashe gave him a less than impressed glace.

"Get your feet off the table!" Penelo scolded.

Vaan frowned, but he put his feet down all the same. He hated being treated like a child, especially by Penelo. He understood if Basch or Ashe snapped at him—they were hardened warriors both, but Penelo was a childhood friend and every bit as naïve as he was. They'd both still be scrounging on the streets of Rabanastre if it hadn't been for Balthier and Fran.

The latter was currently watching him from the other end of the table, what could have been a smile tugging at her lips.

"What?" he asked irately.

Fran shook her head, great Viera ears twitching with what he was sure was amusement.

"Penelo's right, Vaan," Ashe said. "You shouldn't have your feet on the table."

"It isn't good form for a guest," Basch agreed.

"Whatever," Vaan said, making an effort not to roll his eyes. "Everybody's against me. Where's Balthier?"

"I was just asking myself the same question…" Ashe said.

"He is still asleep, I believe," Fran supplied. "He is quite lazy when given the opportunity."

Penelo giggled. "Yeah. I guess the rest of us are all just so used to waking up early—."

"—And sleeping with one eye open," Ashe interjected.

Penelo nodded. "—That we can't relax even when we have the chance."

"Balthier can relax," Fran said. "He has had much practice."

Nobody asked what exactly she meant by that. Nobody really cared to know.

"Well, I think it's time he got his lazy ass out of bed." Vaan got to his feet.He left the dining room and stomped down the hallway to the room Balthier was sharing with Fran. Not even bothering to knock, he pushed the door open, and stopped dead in his tracks.

Balthier wasn't sleeping, he was standing in the center of the small, tidy room. He'd obviously just bathed, because he was dripping wet and completely naked. Vaan gave a little shout of surprise. Balthier laughed.

"Can I help you, Vaan?"

For a second, Vaan just stared. Sure, he'd seen naked men before (as he himself was one of them) but he and the boys he shared the bathhouses with back in Rabanastre looked nothing like _this. _Balthier was tanned and muscled, body gleaming in the sunlight. He looked powerful and dangerous and Vaan knew it would probably be best to stop staring before Balthier started to think he was a queer.

"Sorry about that!" he said, and was just about to shut the door and hope the pirate wouldn't mention this to everyone else, when something besides Balthier caught his eye. Sitting under the window was a small table. The two sky pirates had deposited their things on it when they'd occupied the room, one of these being Balthier's rather hefty coin purse.

A little hand had slithered in through the window, attached to an arm, which was in turn attached to someone outside.

"Hey!" Vaan yelled.

The thief jumped and, realizing they had been found out, grabbed the purse and ran, stumbling down the cobblestones of Balfonheim's main street.

Turning to see what Vaan was shouting about, Balthier's eyes widened.

"Oy!" he cried, jumping to the window. "Mangy little sneak-thief!" Then, much to Vaan's dismay, he wrenched the pane open its widest, hoisted himself through, and was off like a shot after the little robber.

_Does he realize he's naked…? _

Vaan followed almost at once, dropping to the cobblestones, and sprinting to catch up. He didn't have any trouble following; Balthier was leaving a wake of shocked citizens behind him. Apparently, a man running down the street in the nude was a rarity even in a pirate's stronghold. Some people looked scandalized, others amused, and some, quite a significant number actually, looked delighted.

Vaan could hear the wolf whistles and catcalls as he entered the plaza above the port. Balthier had chased his thief until they had nowhere else to go—it was either be caught or jump off the wall into the clear blue ocean a few dozen feet below.

The thief was a girl, maybe four or five years younger than Vaan, and she looked rather alarmed. He couldn't say he blamed her. She was being stalked by an angry pirate, and she was a little too young to appreciate Balthier's nudity.

"All right, girlie. Just give me the bleeding purse and we'll call it an amateur's mistake, aye?"

The girl just stared for a few moments, before flinging the purse at his feet and bolting. The crowd broke into applause and whistles. Balthier gave a very elaborate bow, but not before picking up his pilfered gil.

"Thank you all for attending," he said grandly. "I'm here all week."

The crowd laughed. Balthier just smiled and started on his way back up the avenue, tossing the purse from one hand to the other. As he passed Vaan, he muttered, "Shall we?" and offered his arm comically.

"Uh, no thanks."

Balthier snorted, making it clear this was all nothing more than a joke to him. The stares and giggles and whispers continued all the way back to the house. A gaggle of gaudily dressed women called out from a porch, bidding Balthier come with them and put his sword to use.

"Gods know 'tis the only thing you blokes'a good for," one of them said, sending the rest into peals of laughter.

Vaan could feel his cheeks coloring, and he wasn't even the one naked. Maybe it was the fact that he was following the shameless pirate, but he seemed to be getting a lot of stares as well.

"How's it go'in, boyo?" a big, tattooed sailor asked as he passed, waggling his eyebrows.

"You've got quite a pretty boy there," a woman sky pirate called out to Balthier. "You in a sharin' mood?"

Balthier threw her an exaggerated glare, reaching back and grabbing Vaan by the arm. "Not on your life," he said, dragging him closer. The spectators laughed again.

"Uh, Balthier…what are you doing?" He was now nearly pressed up against the naked pirate.

"Just play along, Vaan. Give the people what they want, and all."

"Uh huh…"

"You watch out for that one," a girl around Vaan's age called to him. "He's nothing more than a sky cur." She gave him a saucy wink. "He'll use you shamelessly and then toss you out."

"Just 'cause he did that ta you…" muttered her friend, a girl with a Rosarian accent. They fell into a fit of giggles.

"This is so embarrassing," Vaan muttered. "They think you and me—."

"Calm down, they're just making jokes, Vaan," Balthier chastised. With that, he opened the door to Rose's house and walked inside.

He was greeted instantaneously by another round of gasps. Hearing the commotion, Penelo, Ashe, Basch, and Fran had all come to the front room. The reactions were immediate and predictable. Ashe and Penelo both squealed and turned around. Basch simply cocked an eyebrow. Surprisingly, the only one who spoke was Fran.

"Gone out for some air, have you?" she asked, arms crossed.

Balthier took a deep, healthy breath. "Sea breeze. There's nothing like it."

* * *

Hope you enjoyed!

I may or may not write a squel, depending entirely on response, and my mood.


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